I don’t think anything could have prepared me for the sheer, relentless physicality of these early days of motherhood. I feel in in my bones and across every inch of my skin. I am exhausted in an entirely new way.
Before our son arrived, I was anxious that I would not be able to breastfeed - a fear bred from years of struggling with infertility that left me feeling my body was somehow broken. I was overjoyed then to find that I could nurse him the way I longed to and breastfeeding is one of the most magical experiences of my life.
It is also utterly draining, in more ways than one.
Both are true.
These are not the only discordant truths motherhood has taught me.
I long for the physical contact of my son, for endless cuddles, the velvety softness of his skin on mine, his sweet baby smell. I also frequently have days where I feel completely touched out. When I want to be left untouched for even a few moments. To have my body belong to me alone.
Both are true.
I have longed to be a mother for so long. Motherhood feels vital to who I am - who I have always been meant to be. But motherhood has also shifted all the other aspects of my identity, sometimes to the point of eclipsing them. And I do not want to only be ‘mother’. It is vital to who I am. It is not all I am.
Both are true.
The arrival of our son has brought my husband and I closer than ever. We are also often like ships passing in the night and some days I miss him viscerally.
Both are true.
Both are true, both are true, both are true.
I think there is a strange unspoken belief in the world that we can only think or feel one thing at a time. But this is a lie. We can hold opposing thoughts and discordant feelings simultaneously. We can be both happy and sad. We can recognise both sides of an argument.
It is not always one or the other, either, or.
Sometimes both are true.
Beautiful. And parenthood really has drawn me into a deeper investigation of life's paradoxes...
We have a 5 month old . Such a tender experience. My wife went through a rough period of trying to get him to latch- it took some time and suooort but it happened. Such a beautiful thing to witness - the mother of your child persevere.